


The Only Thing That's Real

by PipeDreams



Series: NIN Verse [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipeDreams/pseuds/PipeDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy is the best actor that ever was...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Thing That's Real

_If I could start again  
a million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way..._

“So this is what it feels like...” Taylor said as he sat down next to Tommy at the bar.

“What what feels like?” Tommy asked, looking at Taylor who was gazing into the distance.

“Being Adam Lambert’s leftovers.” Taylor turned to him and smiled though Tommy could see there was a tinge of bitterness there.

“Dude, you alright?” Tommy asked and he was worried because on top of being drunk, it looked like Taylor did not get any sleep at all last night.

“Why are you so nice Tommy, why? You shouldn’t be you know. I’ll bet you that you could steal Adam right out of his arms.”

“Taylor, don’t. You are drunk. You’ll regret blabbing like this tomorrow. Just don’t alright.”

Taylor snorted. “See. _You_ are nice. You know what you get when you’re too nice Tommy?”

Tommy shrugged.

“Nothing. You get squat. Like I don’t get Adam. Oh God.” Taylor’s voice broke and Tommy knew he needed to do something before the man had a complete breakdown in front of everyone.

“Come on man. Let’s go back to my room alright. Then we’ll talk some more.” Tommy grabbed onto Taylor’s waist, helping to hold him steady. He turned to look in the direction where Taylor had stared at. The ache in his chest grew stronger as he watched Adam hold Sauli tenderly in his arms. But if anyone looked at Tommy’s face, they would see nothing of the pain he was feeling.

Tommy had grown stronger over the course of time. The thing about being broken for so long was that you learned to live with it. And Tommy’s pride refused to let anyone see he was hurting. Even if he felt like he was bleeding on the inside some days.

 

 _The needle tears a hole  
the old familiar sting  
try to kill it all away  
but I remember everything_

“You wanna talk about it?” Tommy asked tentatively the next morning over breakfast. Breakfast which made Taylor’s face appear greener than when he had first woken up.

“No,” Taylor said firmly.

“You sure cause---”

“Tommy, stop alright. Me and Adam. We were never serious.”

“That’s not true---”

“You wanted me to talk so just listen alright,” Taylor said, continuing when Tommy nodded his head. “I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt cause it does. Fuck, it’s Adam you know. _You_ know. He’s larger than life, takes over everything. Overwhelmed the shit out of me. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to whatever it was I was agreeing to but I did. Because I was selfish and I wanted him. Even when I knew he was trying to forget someone. It didn’t work. Or maybe we didn’t work. We were friends first and we’ll always be friends. I will be okay... eventually. But... will you?” Taylor turned to look at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. My last breakup was ages ago.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I wasn’t _that_ drunk the last time you know.”

“Hmmm, why does it seem like we keep getting drunk around each other?”

“Stop changing the fucking subject Tommy! Couldn’t you just be honest for once? I am your friend too.” Taylor pleaded.

“You want me to be honest? _Fine_. You want me to talk about it? Because you know what Taylor? Talking doesn’t help horse shit. It just makes you realise one stupid, fucking mistake you made caused you your entire life’s happiness. Is that what you fucking want to hear from me? Is it?!” Tommy shouted towards the end, his voice breaking a little.

“Shit Tommy. I’m sorry.” Taylor reached out to him but Tommy moved quickly out of his way, heading blindly for the bathroom. He could feel the hot tears wanting to escape his eyes, and Tommy Joe Ratliff cried in front of no one.

 

 _I wear this crown of shit  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair_

 

“Yo hot mamma!”

“Nice try Neil,” Tommy said drily into his handphone, snorting.

“What? Seriously I miss you bitch.”

“You’ve been hanging far too much around Sutan.” Tommy smiled. He missed Neil. Even the sound of Neil’s voice made Tommy feel slightly better.

“So how’s Korea?”

“I’m in Vietnam now Ratliff. Keep up will you!”

“I knew that. I just like annoying you.”

“Awww... you’re like the little brother I never had.”

“I’ve got a few years on you Lambert so, shut the fuck up.”

“Whatever. I just called to see how you were.”

“I am fine,” Tommy replied quickly.

“Are you?” Neil asked and Tommy could hear the concern in his voice.

“Alright, out with it, who sicced you on me?” Tommy asked bluntly.

“What the ever do you mean Ratliff.”

Tommy sighed. “I am fine Neil okay. You don’t have to check up on me.”

“Look. When your brother’s sort of ex calls you telling you to check on the reason they broke up in the first place, well, I have to alright, okay?”

“Reason? Broke up?”

“You had Taylor all worried Tommy... So do you wanna talk now?”

“No.”

“ _Tommy_.”

“No Neil. Please. I can’t.”

“Fine. But when you need to, call me.”

“Okay.”

“Promise Tommy.”

“Fine, I promise. Sheesh, what are we, five...”

“Don’t make me challenge that... I’ll let you go now.”

“Neil, wait!”

“Yes Tommy?”

“Was I really the reason?”

“Do you want to be?”

“Bye Neil.”

 

 _What have I become?  
my sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
my empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

 

It seemed like Tommy could not escape news of Adam with his new boyfriend. Everywhere he went, something would remind him that Adam had found love. Like that stupid tabloid magazine with a picture of the two lovebirds on the front cover. It hurt seeing Adam happy with someone else. It hurt when Adam was with Taylor. And it hurt again now. Tommy guessed it would hurt for as long as he loved Adam. He wondered whether his heart could take the stress.

 

 _Beneath the stains of time  
the feelings disappears  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_

 

It was a nice party but Tommy would have made his excuses if not for the fact that he needed to be there because Adam wanted to sing a song during his own party. Adam wanted to sing a song and he needed his band to perform it with him. Tommy could have turned Adam down easily but it was never in him to reject Adam in any way. Except for that one occasion, that one moment of hesitation... which caused him everything. Tommy had needed more time which Adam couldn’t give.  

“It’s his birthday and I really want to sing this song as a gift for him. Would you help? _Please_ , Tommy?” Adam said over the phone the other day.

“Fine, but you owe me Lambert.” Tommy tried to make his voice sound nonchalant even as he felt the tightening in his chest at the thought of Adam serenading another man.

“Thank you Tommy. Ok I have to convince the rest now. Bye babe and thanks!”

Tommy’s consciousness went back to the present, watching Adam’s mouth form words and not actually hearing them. He continued strumming the bass mechanically, blocking out everything else. Including the looks exchanged between Sauli and the beautiful black-haired man Tommy still loved. The man who now loved another. The man who was apparently loved back. He watched as Sauli looked up at Adam, the familiar look in his eyes Tommy recognised had been in Taylor’s eyes, had been in his own. Till Tommy learned to hide behind a pseudo wall of indifference.

Tommy continued playing as his heart broke a little more. He played because the music took him away from the agony, even if just for a little while.

 

 _I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
the only thing that's real_

 

The walls finally went down. It was only Tommy and himself in the bathroom. And Tommy had no need to hide any longer. He looked at his reflection, at the despair now evident in his eyes. It was getting harder to hide these days. He stared into the mirror and hated seeing what he saw. A shell of a broken man. The burn in his chest was getting hotter. Tommy clenched his fist before raising it high to punch his likeness. _Crack_. He barely even felt the sting as the mirror broke into shards, as drops of liquid red fell to the floor. The Tommy in the distorted reflection was now grinning.  

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from NIN's "Hurt".


End file.
